Saturday, February 14, 2015

When Babies Fly

Yawn... Hmph... Huh…? Wha…? Are we in the airport? Oh no, we’re catching a flight again. Is that an A380? No, probably not. You guys would never buy a ticket on an airline that could afford to buy that aircraft. I’m looking at you, lady. Yes you, who insists I play with toys and wear stuff that belonged to Sheila before she grew out of them. She isn’t even the same gender.

Why are we in the queue? Can’t they see me in your arms? Hey! Hey! Check in lady! My adults and I should be allowed priority boarding! Heeey!


Yes, that’s more I like it. Step aside, platinum member. You too, pin stripe.

No, I’m not adorable. Yes, I have flown before. No, I hated it. No, I will probably not have a nice flight this time either.

The bags are going into the overhead here? This isn’t even the emergency exit row. Why do we have to sit in economy again? These are my most impressionable years, this isn't where I should be spending them. Let’s sit in business. Come on!


Oh my god! Are you ignoring me to listen to the safety instructions? Business cabin!


Why did they dim the lights? I’m not sleepy. Are we taking off? Oh man! Did you feel that burst of acceleration? Look at the lights whizzing by! We’re rising! I can see the ground going farther away! Whee!

Okay, that’s enough. No no, I’m not enjoying this anymore. Are we going to go higher? I don’t think that’s required. Can you tell the pilot to level out now? This altitude should be high enough to not hit anything on the ground. Air hostess lady! Can someone please tell the pilot to stop climbing?


Yes, I can see that there’s another baby in that seat. Just like there was one at the restaurant, and in that car that stopped next to us, and at the store. No, he is not my friend. I do not know him. He’s a stranger. He could grow up to be a serial killer or a pop singer.

Oh great, now you’re making me wave at him. Hey! Hey you! You in the blue cap! Can you return the gesture, please? Oh, you sly one, you. You can see me waving, but you aren’t going to wave back, are you?

No, not you 28B. I was waving at that kid there. Oh no, you’re trying to score some points with my adult. Well, firstly, she might be alone on the flight but she has another adult…

No, don’t coochie coo me! Please stop advancing those wiggling fingers. You are invading my personal space, mister. I’m warning you, I’ll… Haha! That tickles! Haha! No! Stay away! I’ll bite, I swear! Ooh ticklish! Haha! Stop!


What is that? What’s happening? Is that turbulence? Are we going to die? Is this how I die? A baby, cooped in an economy seat, with mush for my last meal? Hold on, do they have life jackets in my size? AIR HOSTESS LADY!


Oh, it’s been you rocking me all this time? Whew. I was terrified. Although I must admit that actually feels nice. I might even consider falling asleep if you sing me a nice lullaby. Not that one. Nope. Not that either. That one, yeah.

Yawn... Hmph... Huh…? Wha…? We’re still on the flight? How much longer? My ears are hurting


Ah, we’re going to land. Isn’t that what the announcement said?

Landing gets me nostalgic, you know. You probably haven’t noticed but exiting the aircraft, going up the aerobridge and getting out in the terminal is a lot like birth. Except of course, a lot more spacious and far less messy. And then papa comes to see us and we go home.

What’s that? I said my first word? Papa? I suppose I did.

You want me to say mama now? Mama. Mama. Don’t you think you’re overreacting a teeny bit? Onomatopoeia. Flibbertigibbet. Kerfuffle. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Why are you laughing?

Fine. Mama. Mama. I need to say it to the camera? Papa. Mama. Okay, stop it now. This is getting embarrassing. The kid in the blue cap is laughing at me now. No, I don’t want to say it anymore. No. Finish.


Don’t ask me so many questions! No, I’m not hungry. Yes, I need to use the loo. No wait, I think I’m hungry too. Both. Toilet first! Can’t we wait for 10 minutes before we land? I’ll be quick, I promise. Okay, final offer, toilet now, food after landing. No, I can’t wait!


What was that bump? Did we just land? If we need to rate the pilot at the end of this, he isn’t going to score very high, I’m afraid.

Oh! I think I don’t need to go to the toilet anymore.

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